


out of the closet; (and into the light)

by explaininfinity



Category: BLACKPINK (Band)
Genre: F/F, a bit angsty at times but it ends all good!, but instead wrote a 15k word one shot? this dumbass!, guess who was supposed to be studying for her finals, proofread!, this one took a lot out of me emotionally though so i really hope you enjoy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-22
Updated: 2019-05-22
Packaged: 2020-03-09 10:34:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,633
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18915202
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/explaininfinity/pseuds/explaininfinity
Summary: in which kim jisoo finds, loses and then finds herself again, park chaeyoung takes a while to accept herself, jennie kim eventually figures some stuff out and lisa manoban just kinda goes with the flow.aka the chaelisa/jensoo coming out!au





	out of the closet; (and into the light)

**Author's Note:**

> some of the events in this story occur a little out of the sequence of real life. please suspend your disbelief and just go with it, okay?
> 
> partially based on a true story.

 

 

 

**i.**

 

 

hong soojoo is absolutely, _positively_ amazing.

 

yes, she's gorgeous but more importantly, she understands jisoo better than anyone else ever has and they've known each other since they were tiny kids. when soojoo first asked to kiss her behind a tree in middle school, jisoo was a little shocked, to say the least. but her parents always told her to follow her instincts ( _and she's really fucking impulsive_ ) so she listens to the voice in her head and the knot that developed around her heart a while ago that both tell her to kiss her best friend.

 

six months later, she goes to her first pride festival. her face is completely covered, partially by a mask and the other part by some rainbow facepaint but she kisses her  _now-girlfriend_ in front of a group of people across the street trying to protest her existence.

 

jisoo's never felt more alive.

 

she's also never felt more comfortable being an atheist after hearing those horrible words screamed in her face and written  _proudly_ across those damn posters with crosses drawn in every corner. she doesn't really feel like being _"saved"_ , not it if means hanging around people like  _them_ for the rest of eternity (she much prefers the company of soojoo, even if it's in hell).

 

two months after that, she auditions for yg entertainment on a whim and after three weeks of grueling auditions and torturous waiting, she gets in.

 

like, she  _actually_ gets accepted as a trainee.

 

the first thing she does when she learns the news? plant a giant kiss on her girlfriend, the person who's supported her the most this whole time. it's a little awkward, with her family there and all (she gathered them all together before she read the email). they're accepting of the  _idea_ of her at least, but they're still not completely sold on the sight of them  _together_. (jisoo figures it's better than nothing)

 

as soon as the contract is signed, any logic left in jisoo's brain screams at her to break it off with her girlfriend. there's a clause that contract will instantly end her hopes of becoming a singer if they ever find out that she's dating. not to mention that she's training to become an  _idol_ now, the media will quite literally  ** _destroy_** her if they found out about it, even if it's in the past. well, and that realization comes with a few others, because she's kinda _dating_ a girl now (and has been for a while) and she just went to her first pride so she can't really deny the reality of her being a lesbian, for which she's pretty sure will get her excommunicated from the entertainment industry forever. well, _gay_ , she later decides after a bit of soul-searching on the topic. jisoo doesn't know why but she just feels more comfortablebeing called that. soojoo says  _it's just fine_ because that jisoo's comfort is her number one priority. jisoo is more grateful for her than ever and places a kiss on her cheek.

 

it  _sucks_ though, because jisoo has to be careful when she does that. she shouldn't  _have_ to ensure that they're at home and the blinds are closed but she does all the same. her career, her  _training_ hasn't even started yet and she's practically begging for a scandal.

 

well, _"begging"_ being a relative term because jisoo isn't doing anything wrong.

 

she's acting like a normal teenager, it's just dating.

 

but in this industry, that would be bad enough in its own.

 

but no.

 

kim jisoo's a special girl, always has been and always will be. she's too sweet for her own good, a little näive about certain things but sarcastic to the core. she's " _all or nothing"_ as her older brother would put it and that invades every aspect of her life, meaning that right now, she's doing absolutely _everything_ she shouldn't be doing.

 

kim jisoo's not just  _dating_ , she's dating a **_girl_**.

 

a scandal waiting to happen, not to mention a breach of contract and a death wish.

 

but kim jisoo, _more so than being special_ , is stubborn as all hell. and she'll be damned if she lets a stupid piece of paper decide if she breaks up with her girlfriend or not.

 

so she doesn't.

 

romantic? a little bit.

dumb? absolutely.

does she care? not in the slightest.

 

she'll just have to be careful.

 

 

**ii.**

 

 

turns out, jisoo's pretty bad at being careful.

 

you'd think she'd be more worried because she really  _should_ be more careful. for soojoo's sake too, because she's starting a modeling career ( _which, is totally deserved because she's gorgeous and kind and talented and did jisoo mention,_ **_gorgeous?_ **)

 

but in true kim jisoo  _let's piss off as many people as i can by existing_ fashion, she isn't subtle at all.

 

it wasn't a _real_ pride flag.

 

jisoo's aware enough of the political climate in her home country not to do that. but the pin (it's a small, enamel rainbow arranged adorably between a dog and a cute tree) on the duffel bag that she brings to rehearsals on her first day is enough for a rumor to begin.

 

but it's the yg building so there's a new rumor about practically every trainee daily, no matter how long they've been there and how well everyone else knows them. the result of pitting a group of intensely competitive performers against each other, she supposes. and jisoo's new, so that rumor has to battle against other whispers about her, especially the ones about her taking a top spot in the new debut group almost immediately. regardless, people there soon get to know her and the discussion rapidly turns to her having a strange sense of humor, a dazzling smile and some terrible cooking skills.

 

the pin is all but forgotten by everyone.

 

 

**iii.**

 

 

roseanne park is  _not_ homophobic, thank you very much. her parents (devout catholics, if you must know, but an overall rather irrelevant fact) raised her to be accepting of everyone, and she loves them dearly, so she is. it's not like its hard though, it's just letting people be who they are.  

 

the first time she became... _aware_ of gay people _(good,_ **_god_ ** _that sounds awkward as hell) (wait, she's not supposed to say god like that, right?) (oops)_ wasn't until the 7th grade, when she was around 12. melbourne, in general, is mostly open-minded, even more so than other parts of australia, which is pretty accepting as it is. but roseanne grew up in a religious area, and the people there were pretty conservative. it's not that they said gay marriage was wrong or they were protesting against same-sex relationships or anything, she just simply hadn't even  _met_ a gay person until she arrived at an all-girls school.

 

(the dating pool there is rather… _limited_ after all)

 

when she learned about it, she wasn't disgusted or anything either, just  _surprised._ call her sheltered or näive but roseanne just  _literally didn't know_ that dating a girl was an option, that it was  _allowed_.

 

so like the good student she is, she did a little research ( _not like_ ** _that_** _, geez!_ ).

 

something you should know about roseanne park though, is that she's extremely self-aware. she's critical of herself to a fault, but she's also realistic, and knows just about where her talents and faults lie. she's highly sensitive, which can be rather frustrating at times, but it also means she's very much in tune with her own emotions.

 

so halfway into the second term of her 10th-grade year, when she feels a knot tie itself around her heart when the girl from her chemistry class ( _because at this point, her life is a freaking cliché, so of course it's_ ** _chemistry_ **) smiles softly at her, she pieces the signs together.

 

she has a crush.

 

on a girl.

 

it's scary, to say the least. it's not that she's afraid her family will _shun_ her or anything. her parents have always told her that they'd love her no matter what and she genuinely believes them. she has really no reason not to tell them, besides the fact that she's scared.

 

but  _fuck_ if she's not absolutely terrified.

 

so she comes up with a horrible idea.

 

she flirts with a nice boy from her church choir that she's pretty sure likes her. she learns that his name is nolan and he likes most of the same things as her, just as much as she does. (in retrospect, that probably should have a slap in the face she missed but _whatever_ , she was figuring stuff out). he's sweet and loves his guitar a lot, which probably should make roseanne feel a lot more than she does.

 

but she doesn't, _feel anything for him_ , that is.

 

and that's _even more_ terrifying.

 

so she laughs too much at his jokes ( _they're funny, but not enough to elicit the reactions that she's giving_ ) and stops for coffee with him after school. she rests her head on him when they're at rehearsals too late and doesn't miss the glances she gets from everyone around her when he drapes his jacket over her shoulders. it's practically textbook, the way she flirts, exactly how you're supposed to, lightly hitting his arm when she teases him and playing with her hair whenever he's around. she pretends to like it when he calls her  _rosie_ , but for some reason, she  _can't stand_ her name slipping past his lips.

 

she feels disgusting, like she's leading him on. it's like she's playing with his emotions as if he's some sort of toy that she's using just to figure out her own feelings.

 

the worst part about it, is that it's the truth. she _i_ _s_ leading him on and she  _is_ trying to figure out… _some stuff_. she knows she's being obvious about her flirting because she's  _trying_ to be.

 

she wants  _so badly_ to be wrong, for this thing between them to work out but it's not.

 

it's not him, he's wonderfully kind. he grabs doors for her and offers to pay for movie tickets when they go out. he's an amazing older brother and son and roseanne wants nothing more than to be attracted to him.

 

but she's not.

 

the bubbling in her stomach doesn't stop when the girl from chemistry waves at her and doesn't appear when nolan holds her hand.

 

when nolan asks her to go to a dance with him (because he goes to a different, co-ed school that allows that kind of thing), she accepts. it feels like the right thing to do, given that they're practically dating at this point.

 

immediately afterward though, she feels like puking. the same thing happens when the meet for coffee at their usual time the next day. she makes up an excuse, and dashes out of the café. she avoids him for the week leading up to it, sitting on the opposite side of the room during rehearsals and barely acknowledging his texts.

 

it makes her feel even  _worse._

 

not because of the churning in her stomach that's exactly the opposite of the bubbling that she so desperately wishes  _would_ happen or the lost gazes she can feel on the back of her head in choir.

 

it's because she was  _right._  every time she thinks of going to the dance with him, she feels like vomiting and that's all the confirmation she needs. it's all so freaking  _confusing_ and roseanne really just wants everything to **stop.**

 

the dance is awful. it's awkward as hell because she doesn't know anyone besides him and she spends as much time sitting as is humanly possible.

 

 

**iv.**

 

 

she tells nolan that she's moving away one day, as he drives her home from choir practice. surprisingly, she doesn't feel sad. all she feels is relief, and then she feels like a _horrible_ person for feeling relieved.

 

if she forgot to mention, she recently auditioned for a korean entertainment agency on a suggestion from her dad.  _somehow_ , she got accepted and they want her overseas as soon as possible. she doesn't miss the disappointed look in his eyes for a split-second before he overenthusiastically congratulates her. she can tell that he's shocked, in all fairness,  _so is she_. she never expected to get in, just auditioning to appease her dad. but, they accepted her and she's ready to jump at this chance.

 

he kisses her once on the cheek before she gets out of the car.

 

right then, she'd rather be anywhere else.

 

she  ** _hates_** the knot that ties itself around her heart whenever the girl from chemistry, who she leamed is named  _emma_ , smiles at her. she  ** _hates_** how excited she gets and how nervous she feels when they are paired together for a project right before she's set to leave. she also  _hates_ itwhen they aren't placed in a group anymore.

 

most of all though, she  ** _hates_** that she doesn't feel anything when nolan kisses her goodbye for the last time.

 

roseanne is a pretty self-aware girl but sometimes, she  _really_ wishes she wasn't.

 

they say that ignorance is a fake bliss, but she could use a little bliss, even if it is fake. because she quickly discovers that she doesn't actually  _ **h**_ ** _ate_** that she doesn't feel anything for nolan most of all. she rapidly finds that she  ** _hates_** something more.

 

**_herself._ **

 

 

**v.**

 

 

somehow, in the middle of it all, roseanne finds herself in korea.

 

she's at the airport hugging her parents goodbye as they start on their trip back home without her when it hits her. she tries not to think about the last time she said goodbye to someone as she hugs her parents but it's the only thing distracting her from the fact that she's  ** _alone_** now.

 

joining yg is like nothing she expected. it's sudden and strange and it's both better and worse than she could have imagined. every day is a struggle and she feels like screaming and crying constantly. but she's never felt more _right_ either then when she's performing. dancing in front of a camera or a crowd, singing for people or a producer, it brings the same _rush_ of adrenaline.

 

she's good at it too, that much she can even admit to herself, despite her tendency for self-deprecation.

 

the other trainees are fascinated by her, by her australian accent when she speaks english (which they ask her to do a lot, even though she never knows what to say) and by her unique voice when she sings. here, they call her by her korean name, _chaeyoung_ , and that takes a lot of getting used to because the only people that used to do that were her parents.

 

jennie, one of the other trainees and the only other one fluent in english, is really helpful, especially on her first day. roseanne, _chaeyoung?_ (at this point, she's not that sure either way) _knows_ korean in the same way she  _knows_ biology, in more of an academic sense that's not enough to be entirely useful. the majority of the content she knows is what she spoke at church and home, which is great when someone asks about what she wants for dinner or where the bathroom is but is significantly less valuable when they ask about more complex stuff. chaeyoung takes a liking to jisoo as well, who's pretty much always attached to jennie's side. she's a couple of years older than her and has been at yg almost a year longer but she's funny and chaeyoung feels comfortable around her and her infectious laughter. jisoo's english is pretty limited but if either of them are ever confused, they've both discovered that pointing and miming both work just fine.

 

there's another foreign trainee, a thai girl named lisa. they're the only ones in the korean class but she's been in korea and at yg for longer than chaeyoung so she sort-of sticks to lisa's side for a while and thankfully, the younger girl doesn't seem to mind. jennie's not really smiley, especially not when they're in rehearsals (which are  _very_ different from chaeyoung's choir and cheer team practices) but lisa definitely is. her smile is actually rather blinding, even when chaeyoung just hands her a bottle of water during their breaks. it's sort of ridiculous how clingy lisa is but chaeyoung quickly adapts and she won't lie, she's definitely comforted by the hand squeezes she gets before their evaluations.

 

chaeyoung manages to progress remarkably quickly, landing a spot featuring on a track with gd (who even  _s_ _he_ knows is a really  _really_ big deal) after only months in korea.

 

she has mixed feelings about it. initially, when alice sends a picture of the purchased song off her phone, she feels like crying _(the good kind)_. it doesn't ensure a debut any time soon or anything (after all, it only says "? from yg new girl group") but she feels closer to her dream than ever, and she can officially say that she's fulfilled one of her bucket list items: getting a job a singer. but she also notices the other trainees watching her more warily now. she quickly realizes that she's a major threat to them and to their dreams too, and she feels like crying _(the bad kind)._

 

so she does. in the closet of an empty practice room.

 

when she realizes where she is, she wants to laugh at herself in between sobs. in all of the hecticness of leaving her home country, beginning the trainee program and recording a single in secret, she's forgotten about her  _problem._

 

it's even worse now, she acknowledges. she quite literally, _cannot_ come out, even if she wanted to. not just her contract won't let her date anyone but because she's in korea now and she'd probably get shunned by society or something. she was too scared to tell her parents when they weren't 8,500 km away and now, she can't. she's too smart to do it over text or video, there's always the minuscule chance that it gets found and released somehow.

 

so, right now at least, she's quite literally, both physically and emotionally, _stuck in the closet._

 

she's not sure if she wants to laugh or cry at that. she chooses the latter.

 

eventually, her sobs die down and her breathing evens out. chaeyoung knows that her eyes are probably bloodshot, and she doesn't want to explain why if anyone finds her like this, so she stays for a while.

 

really though, she's not sure she even  _could_ explain why she's like this, not even to herself.

 

**vi.**

 

 

it's hard, being in a relationship with someone while trying to keep it a secret. it's even harder when the reason you have to keep it a secret is that you might get both you  _and_ your girlfriend fired and blackballed from society (because soojoo's like a _real_ model now).

 

the first person to know about soojoo is jennie, who quickly became jisoo's best friend only days after she joined yg. jennie straight up  _asks_ if she and soojoo are dating the instant they meet each other for the first time (clearly not believing the  _childhood best friends_ explanation). when they both splutter, jennie just smirks before frowning at soojoo.

 

" _you know you could do a lot better than this idiot, right?_ "

 

jisoo sits back in her chair, flabbergasted both at her apparently now  ** _ex_** -best friend and girlfriend, who laugh at her.

 

 _"she may be an idiot, but she's my idiot,"_ soojoo relents as jennie shrugs.

 

_"your mistake."_

 

jisoo just looks down at the menu she pretends to be highly interested in, instantly regretting introducing the two women, who begin teaming up to tease her.

 

lisa, the funny thai girl who jisoo kinda, unintentionally adopted? ( _she's not really sure how that happened_ ) learns second. soojoo laughs when she finally meets the trainee that her girlfriend accidentally _"adopted"_  as they are introduced and jokes about sharing custody of their new daughter.

 

it was a rather unconventional way of formally announcing that she and soojoo were in fact, _dating_ and not just  _good friends_ but thankfully, lisa gets the message loud and clear. she too makes a joke in her clumsy korean about her new mother and suddenly everything is okay.

 

chaeyoung meets soojoo on a quiet break day a few weeks after she joins the trainee program. jisoo outright states that soojoo is her girlfriend and chaeyoung just beams and grabs the girl's hand to shake it. the australian girl's overly enthusiastic greeting makes the whole group laugh when soojoo's face contorts in confusion for a second and instantly eases any tension that would have been there. soojoo is important, but all of jisoo's ( _hopefully future_ ) members like her, which brings jisoo an inexorable amount of relief.

 

they are the only three people that know, other than soojoo's family and her own. they can't risk anything getting out, for obvious reasons. so they try to keep contact minimal and keep their messages vague.

 

but soojoo's away on a shoot halfway across the world and she's been there for at least a week and jisoo  _misses her,_ **_badly_**.

 

she slips away, outside their dorms, after rehearsals are over.

 

she checks the alley she's in but no one should be in here anyway. it's a friday night and close to the holidays so they have half of the next week off, by some stroke of luck. practically all of the trainees are going either home or on vacation even though it's not the holidays  _officially_ yet. why their boss is giving them a break  _early_ , jisoo has no idea. in fact, jisoo herself should be packing because she and jennie are off to jeju island in the morning. soojoo was supposed to come with her, but she had gotten called in for a last-minute shoot, hence why jisoo has to call her instead of escape to her place.

 

when she checks the time, she realizes that it's late at night where her girlfriend is. she quickly ponders if she should even call, because soojoo probably needs the rest after what jisoo's sure was a long day of shooting. then, her phone starts ringing, a name accompanied by a string of heart emojis lighting up the screen.

 

jisoo instantly smiles and accepts the call.

 

they don't speak for as long as she'd like, because soojoo (and jisoo) both need to rest (not that either of them end it soon). eventually though, they do, and jisoo steps out of the alley feeling lighter than she has all week.

 

**vii.**

 

 

they begin to spend a lot more time together; jisoo, chaeyoung, jennie and lisa, and eventually, they are placed in an official debut group.

 

they get a name for just the four of them, **_blackpink_**. jisoo remembers laughing a bit at the look of relief on jennie's face after learning that they wouldn't have to be called that god-awful  _pink punk_ anymore.

 

their debut day gets closer and closer as days of rehearsals blur together and suddenly it's here. jisoo doesn't get to see soojoo for a while afterward, in between performing on music shows and rehearsals, she's stuck in their dorms. the only way she can leave is with a manager, and even then, there's a limited number of places they can go and a limited number of people they can meet with.

 

jennie likens it to being on house arrest with slightly more convenient, _traveling_ , visiting hours. jisoo can't really disagree.

 

she'd be lying if it didn't put a strain on their relationship but they're about to hit 6 years together soon, so she's not exactly worried about anything.

 

soojoo's still as wonderful as ever and jisoo still loves her more than anything.

 

 

**viii.**

 

 

eventually, the girls get more freedom, sometime after their second comeback. it's a long break between releases, even for yg standards but thankfully the girls are no longer stuck in their dorms to endure it.

 

for jisoo, she's overjoyed because she gets to spend more time with soojoo. the  _childhood best friend_ card still works and eventually, her manager gets used to them meeting constantly.

 

well, up until she may have walked in on them kissing once, which lead to an  _extended_ discussion but luckily, she's accepting and promises to keep their secret.

 

 _"as long as i don't see anything, i can't tell anyone,"_ she finishes, winking as she walks out the door.

 

so jisoo gets to see her girlfriend more often.

 

 

**ix.**

 

 

meanwhile, chaeyoung, alongside being too self-aware, develops a habit of getting inside her own head too much.

 

jisoo, jennie, chaeyoung and lisa alternate leaving with each other and alone. jisoo's in and out, mostly spending time alone in her room or with soojoo and her family. lisa goes to visit her other thai friends in the industry (which they can all understand, and they all encourage her to do) so jennie and chaeyoung get left alone in the dorms together a fair amount. jennie's thawed towards her since they debuted, and chaeyoung is pretty sure the girl genuinely likes her ( _not like_ _ **t**_ ** _hat_ ** ). when jisoo is the only other one at home with chaeyoung, they spend the majority of their time watching cartoons or dramas. chaeyoung joins her on the couch and they quietly enjoy the serenity that seems to appear whenever their youngest member disappears. when the older members leave lisa and chaeyoung together, it's fun. despite the annoying habit of tickling her that lisa develops, chaeyoung warms up to the other foreign girl almost totally. it's not hard, lisa's smiley, bright and sweet and she makes chaeyoung laugh and forget about everything stressful going on in her life. on the rare occasion that jennie, jisoo  _and_ lisa are all gone though, chaeyoung's acutely aware of the all-encompassing silence and she  ** _hates_** it.

 

she's been using that word a bit too much lately,  ** _hate_**. her parents always discouraged it when she was little, insisting that she use  _strongly dislike_ instead but now, she's got some things that are genuinely worth  _ **h**_ ** _ating,_**  so she does. as much as she tries to ignore the comments they inevitably get, it's hard. but she knows that her other members are even more affected by it, so she pretends to ignore them.

 

the hardest pills to swallow though, come in the form of comments about her cover of  _not for long by b.o.b._ they're not mean-spirited but they're off-putting all the same, mostly because they hit a little too close to home.

 

she hadn't changed the pronouns in the song she sang on their first-ever variety performance. it hadn't been some secret way of coming out (really, she had just been too nervous to even  _think_ about doing anything but singing the original lyrics, other than the censors) but the internet had taken it as such. **_rosé singing "i'm your type, girl" is my aesthetic! she's such a gay legend!_ **was the top comment on the video and she had no idea why it affected her so much.

 

well, no. **_obviously_** , she knows.

 

but if  _she_ isn't sure if that's true or not, how can literally  _thousands_ of strangers on the internet be?

 

the worst part is that she  _knows_ her members would be fine with it. it's her parents all over again, the frustrating reality being that the only person holding herself back is _herself_.

 

maybe she's not that mad when jennie stays at her mother's, jisoo goes to soojoo's and lisa visits her friends.

 

she can't tell anyone anything if they're not there.

 

 

**x.**

 

 

the tide only holds for so long.

 

chaeyoung's drunk, and she knows it. jennie and lisa are both with their individual friends, leaving jisoo and chaeyoung alone watching crappy romantic dramas. jisoo soon gets bored and breaks out a bottle of soju that's technically against the rules  _(but not illegal!_ ). a drinking game begins, with the pair deciding to take a shot every time something horribly cliché occurs. it's against her better judgment but chaeyoung doesn't really feel like arguing and the alcohol will assuredly stop the thoughts circling around her head (because this main character seriously reminds her of nolan and she  _does not_ want to think about him).

 

it's a pretty shitty and manufactured drama so, of course, they're buzzed before the first act of the movie has ended and by the time the credits have rolled, they're  ** _way_** passed sober.

 

jisoo, in her true tactlessfashion decides to begin a game of truth or dare.

 

_"are you gay?"_

 

the question comes after some other ones, a bit more blasé and mostly involving her relationship (or lack thereof) with nolan.

 

jisoo is blunt. she normally speaks with a point to her words, especially because of her members' limited korean and apparently when drunk, she's no different. she might actually be  _more_ blunt, if that's humanly possible, when drunk. so, when her slurred tongue formulates around the question chaeyoung fears most, neither of them are entirely surprised. chaeyoung's pretty sure jisoo has wanted to ask her before (because, for some strange reason, they play truth or dare a lot) but apparently, it took a shot of liquid courage to do it.

 

jisoo has always wondered about him because chaeyoung doesn't mention her _"ex-something"_ much. all she knows, she learned in  _different_ games of truth or dare. it's not much, just that chaeyoung has kissed him once. well, _them_ , she should say, because chaeyoung always uses gender-neutral terms when talking about them (and yes, it's a bit suspicious).

 

lisa's never been in a relationship, neither has jennie (they were too young when they joined the trainee program) but jisoo has, and she wants to know about chaeyoung's. when people ask about their ideal types, lisa always mentions that she likes cute boys and jennie ( _albeit rather shyly_ ) mentions that she prefers the sexy type of guys. even when they're alone, all of the other girls are comfortable talking about their crushes, jisoo's obviously being soojoo.

 

but chaeyoung has always kept her ideal type vague. (in reality, it's not because she wants to lie to anyone, but because she _doesn't freaking know either_ )

 

 **_"someone_** _n_ _ice, with a nice voice and a guitar",_  she says, even when the girls are alone, which makes jisoo wonder.

 

 _then why did she run when nolan, who perfectly fits all of those things, appeared?_ chaeyoung thinks to herself whenever she says that. and then her head hurts and she feels like puking so she stops thinking about that.

 

chaeyoung's an honest drunk, among other things. unsurprisingly, she's also an emotional drunk, so the instant the question registers, the waterworks start falling. that seems to sober jisoo up, but not chaeyoung in the slightest. she buries her face in their oldest member's shoulder, as tears soak into both of their pajamas. she sobs about nolan (the whole story this time) and emma and about her parents and alice. she whimpers out all the words she should have told jisoo before, all the fears she has been keeping in and everything she's wanted to say for so long. it's the first time she's ever said the words " _i'm gay"_ to anyone, and chaeyoung only cries harder when they finally fall off her lips. jisoo, who's really  _r_ _eally_ sobered at this point just lets her go on, listening calmly and rubbing comforting circles on her back.

 

at some point, chaeyoung's watery ramblings come to a close, and when lisa comes home, she finds two of her members on the couch, a bottle of soju and two shot glasses on the table. she quickly gleans what happened, deciding to leave water and advil on the coffee table next to them, rather than move her likely cranky and hungover bandmates.

 

 

 

chaeyoung wakes up to a high pitched screech and an elbow in her face.

 

during the night, sometime after lisa, jennie must have come home and collapsed from exhaustion with them. why, chaeyoung has no idea, because jennie has a bed less than a dozen feet away but at this point, chaeyoung tries not to rationalize a lot of their main rapper's actions, preferring to just let her be _._ because of this though, jennie landed on top of jisoo with chaeyoung on their right on the rather small couch.

 

when lisa awoke, she found the pile of her members on the couch and a ~~brilliant~~ horrible idea appeared because lisa's clingy normally but much worse when her members leave her alone. she jumps on top of the pile of her members, resulting in jennie jolting awake and an elbow connecting with chaeyoung's cheekbone.

 

after, _lots_ of apologies from lisa, jisoo and jennie, a painkiller or two for her hangover and several glasses of water, jisoo tends to chaeyoung's new bruise in the bathroom. neither of them blacked out last night, and while chaeyoung's memory is a bit foggy, she knows  _what_ they were talking about, even if all the details aren't perfectly clear.

 

she breaks down again and begs jisoo not to tell anyone else. jisoo just smiles softly and promises to keep her secret.

 

 _"they will accept you, you know,"_ she murmurs while she dabs antiseptic on chaeyoung's cheekbone. _"i mean, they accepted me."_ chaeyoung just gazes up at her sadly, numb to the disinfectant that's supposed to be stinging her skin and the comfort her oldest member is attempting to give.

 

 _"i know. the real question is if_ **_i_ ** _will accept me._ "

 

thankfully, jennie and lisa probably just assume her tear-stained cheeks are due to chaeyoung's low pain tolerance.

 

she doesn't bother to correct them.

 

 

**xi.**

 

 

chaeyoung doesn't come out to jennie.

 

she doesn't  _have_ to.

 

a week later, the two of them end up visiting australia together during their long hiatus. lisa's in thailand, jisoo's with soojoo constantly so chaeyoung decides to go see her family. jennie announces that she wants some sunshine from down under too, so she invites herself along. chaeyoung's not opposed to having company and they set off for melbourne.

 

their first night there, jennie has a _horrible_ idea. and like most horrible ideas that jennie has, it involves breaking more than one of the rules in their contracts.

 

it's a club.

 

they're both of legal age, and so they get in without a passing glance. the hats they're wearing (because chaeyoung insists that they do  _something_ to at least  _attempt_ to hide their identities) don't do much to help but most of the people are drunk already, because it's pretty late and a friday night.

 

jennie did agree to one condition, _to not get drunk_ but that's pretty much thrown out the window as soon as she enters the club. it's not really her fault that people keep buying her drinks but it's definitely her fault that she keeps drinking them. but jennie deserves a break from korea's ridiculous standards breathing down her neck, so chaeyoung decides to stay sober and ensure that they don't accidentally cause a scandal. she quickly regrets it though, because she's unfortunately  _not_ drunk when she runs into a familiar face.

 

of course, _because her life is a fucking cliché,_ it's  ** _nolan_** of all people.

 

it's awkward, to say the least. she feels like puking all over again when nolan places a hand on hers (because he's gotten bolder since they last met). apparently, he thinks that they're just picking up where they left off, which reminds chaeyoung that she never  _really_ broke off whatever they had. thankfully, a buzzed jennie kim saves her, waving a shaky hand at him as she clings onto chaeyoung like she always does when she's drunk before dragging her onto the dance floor.

 

jennie stares at her the entire taxi ride home and chaeyoung tries (in vain) to ignore it. it's a bit strange though, the way she's acting. it's almost like a caricature of herself, like jennie's pretending to be drunker than she really is.

 

regardless, that interaction has less of an impact than when jennie meets her friends. somehow, in chaeyoung's absence, emma ( _yes, the cute girl from chemistry_ ** _emma_** ) has joined her old friend group. it comes as a surprise when she walks into the café where she and her friends decided to meet. she tries really hard not to think about the last time she met someone here because then she feels sick all over again.

 

emma looks  _good_ , way too good for someone chaeyoung ( _or is it roseanne, because she's in australia?_ ) hasn't seen since their final exam in 10th grade.

 

another thing you should know about chaeyoung, is that she wears her heart on her sleeve. she's  _obvious_ , especially if you're jennie kim who has spent practically every waking hour with her for years.

 

jennie doesn't talk much at the café, choosing instead to observe chaeyoung.

 

to observe her flushed cheeks and the way she toys with her fingers that reminds jennie of their first award show appearance. to count the number of times she tucks her hair behind her ear (8) and the number of times she _untucks_ the hair from behind her ear (9).

 

she's never seen chaeyoung quite like this, and she can guess why.

 

 

**xii.**

 

 

_"so it's emma? your ex, i mean."_

 

it's entirely too nonchalant, the way jennie offhandedly asks it, as they overlook a sunset at chaeyoung's favorite hiding spot, a cliff that alice had found one day when she was practicing driving. it's not too far from her house, only a short drive or moderate bike ride away. alice and chaeyoung (who decided that she prefers chaeyoung, even if she's in australia because it just feels more  _her_ ) used to come to watch the waves when they were stressed.

 

chaeyoung splutters. she's never been a good liar ( _honestly, it's a miracle she's managed to keep this a secret this long_ ) and jennie's piercing glare isn't helping. the denial that trails off her lips sounds unconvincing, even to her and even though it's the truth. jennie just cocks an eyebrow in disbelief before turning back to the sunset.

 

jennie, however, knows one thing about this ex: that they kissed chaeyoung, and judging by her reaction at the café, there aren't many people that chaeyoung would rather kiss.

 

_"because it would be okay, you know. if she was."_

 

silent tears fall down chaeyoung's face as she rests her head on jennie. she feels an arm snake around her waist and she feels herself wrap around jennie, her forehead resting on the older girl's shoulder.

 

they sit like that for a while, until chaeyoung's shoulders stop shaking.

 

 _"she's not, but thank you."_ jennie just smiles softly at the sunset in front of them.

 

 _"you, park chaeyoung, don't need to thank me. i'm not_ **_doing_ ** _anything. you are who you are and you love who you love, and i couldn't care less, as long as you're safe and happy. and as long as you're not dating that nolan guy because he looks like a creep. and if she's not your ex, you should get emma's number, she definitely looked into you."_

 

at those words, chaeyoung sits up gasping and lightly hits jennie's shoulder in shock, causing both girls to smile. this time, it's jennie who rests her head on chaeyoung's shoulder (which they both agree is  _significantly_ more comfortable, due to their heights).

 

the sun goes down, but neither of them move.

 

 

**xiii.**

 

 

jisoo is miserable.

 

it was supposed to be a nice date but before jisoo can pick up the menu, soojoo breaks it off with her.

 

it's sudden and horrible and jisoo is completely and utterly lost. it's a rush of " _it's not you it's me"_ and " _we can still be friends_ " and she feels like she's drowning.

 

apparently, dispatch got a hold of a photo of them kissing at a pride all those years ago. soojoo hands a copy to jisoo, who takes it in trembling hands. both of them had been wearing masks on the lower-halves of their faces but they had taken them off to kiss. due to the paint on her face and the angle of the photo, it's impossible to tell that jisoo is the other woman in the photo but soojoo's face is devoid of paint and the hat she had been wearing was tilted upward, revealing her face clearly. her agency already paid off dispatch but the fact that jisoo's currently holding the only copy of the picture that exists doesn't change soojoo's mind.

 

 _"it's too dangerous for us to be together,"_ she reasons.

 

it's logical.

 

who knows what else dispatch has on them, or if they even followed them here, just to get other photos?

 

it's the best choice for both of their careers.

 

_that doesn't make it hurt any less._

 

she still has the picture that she promised to burn in lieu of saying goodbye when she exits the restaurant, twenty minutes after soojoo has already left (because, right now, they definitely can't be seen together).

 

maybe it's a metaphor for their relationship, soojoo walking out before jisoo even knows what's happening.

 

jisoo tries so desperately to hate soojoo, but she can't bring herself to do it. she can't blame her because if she were in soojoo's position, she probably would have done the same thing.

 

she  ** _hates_** the industry, she  ** _hates_** the contract she signed and she  ** _hates_** the stupid country they live in for being so fucking conservative.

 

but most of all, she  ** _hates_** herself, for being too weak to stop soojoo from walking away.

 

jisoo cries herself to sleep that night, the photograph still clutched between her fingers.

 

 

**xiv.**

 

 

alice knows now.

 

all three of them cry (because chaeyoung starts as soon as she begins speaking, which makes alice cry and then jennie cries when she sees both of them in tears).

 

it feels like a gigantic weight being lifted off of her shoulders when chaeyoung tells her, and she's grateful for both of them for holding onto her hands, anchoring her, the entire time.

 

she waits until the last possible second to tell her parents, and by last possible second, she means their flight leaves in three hours and she really should already be on her way to the airport.

 

but jennie refused to let her leave without telling them, not because she's outing chaeyoung or anything but because jennie can  _tell_ just how much it's eating her up inside. chaeyoung is  _so_ close to her parents and keeping this secret is hurting her more than she'd like to admit.

 

they're awkwardly seated in the living room, jennie perched on the arm of a loveseat that she's sharing with chaeyoung across from her parents, arranged strategically on either side of alice. it's times like this when jennie sort of wishes that she had siblings growing up, to help in situations like this (although, she had never really been in a situation quite like this).

 

chaeyoung squeezes the plush dog in her arms until she's pretty sure it's about to burst. no one has said anything for the last ten minutes and their manager should be arriving any minute now to drag them back to korea.

 

now or never, right?

 

_"mom and dad, chaeyoung has something to tell-"_

 

_"i'm gay."_

 

she hadn't meant to cut alice off but she panicked.

 

the look of shock on not only alice's but her mother's face made her want to disappear but she did it, _she fucking did it._

 

surprisingly enough, her dad's face didn't move at all.

 

_"did you really think you were that subtle, princess?"_

 

they all laugh and suddenly, everything's okay.

 

  
  
**xv.**

 

 

she wants to tells lisa immediately when she comes back.

 

as much as they say they don't have best friends within the group, it's obvious that lisa is chaeyoung's emotional support pillar. she's the first person chaeyoung goes to when confused, the first to defend her when chaeyoung needs it and the first to comfort her with open arms when something goes wrong. she  _deserves_ to know about this new development (or new acceptance?) in chaeyoung's life.

 

but when she and jennie touch down after their flight home from australia, they're bombarded from texts that lisa sent while they were in the air. apparently, she just arrived back in korea from thailand too, she's not much more informed than them but they get the gist of the severity of the situation on the ride home.

 

_i think jisoo and soojoo broke up._

_it's bad._

_i hear crying_ _but her door's locked and she's not talking._

 

jennie takes point on this one, forgoing the elevator (something chaeyoung has  _never_ seen her do) and sprinting up the stairs (another thing chaeyoung has  _never_ seen her do). jennie storms into the apartment as soon as she possibly can, barely even nodding at lisa before she uses the only master key they have to unlock jisoo's door before promptly locking herself in the room with her. chaeyoung and lisa can only wait for them outside, placing plates of food outside the door and clearing them when they are returned.

 

it's at least a day before either girl exits, and even then, half a week until jisoo spends more than a few minutes outside her room. she continues like that for a while, waving as she walks into the kitchen before grabbing something and sneaking away. none of the girls can really blame her and just give her space, because they know she prefers to deal with these kinds of things- actually, _everything_ -by herself.

 

they pretend not to hear her cry through their thin walls and she pretends not to hear them whispering about her from the other side.

 

all too soon, their so-called  _vacation before your comeback_ is over and they have to go back to their rehearsal schedule. jennie, chaeyoung and lisa plan to tell their manager that their oldest member is sick because it's not like they can tell him that she's just experienced a breakup because he didn't know that she was even  _dating_ someone.

 

unexpectedly though, jisoo walks out of her room on her own. she's smiling too much and it's clearly faked but it's a smile all the same, so the girls take it as a win.

 

jisoo begins practicing with a fury, hitting her moves and singing with a renewed passion and stability that impresses even their stoic boss.

 

emotionally though, she's at an all-time low, and the girls can tell. her laughter is more forced than anything else and the smiles she's giving (although more frequent), don't reach her eyes. her members don't see her much, between the new puppy she's adopted that requires constant walks, a gym schedule that forces her to leave before the sun rises in the morning, for hours on end and a bed that she collapses into the instant she gets home, typically long after the sun has set. she stays in the studio (both the vocal and dance ones) more than anyone else, leaving late and arriving early. she's purposefully avoiding everyone, and the girls can do little but respect her wishes.

 

well, except for jennie. she hops in the car on way into jisoo's flying yoga sessions and drags kuma and kai (who are really more of  _i_ _nside_ dogs) on walks with dalgom. she forces jisoo to go home at a reasonable hour when she can and drags jisoo to her own room at night to ensure that she's actually sleeping.

 

physically, jisoo looks better than ever before, her body impossibly toned and her dance moves a constant state of practiced perfection.

 

but she's pushing herself too hard and at some point, she's going to crack and the shield that jennie's attempting to cover her in, may not save either of them from the blast.

 

 

**xvi.**

 

 

logically, chaeyoung knows that lisa  _should_ be the easiest person to tell. she's her  _best friend for god's sake_ but with the whole soojoo thing, chaeyoung thought it best to leave the topic of relationships aside for a while.

 

with jisoo, she was drunk, so she didn't have a ton of control over coming out to her.

 

with jennie, she didn't really  _do_ anything. jennie figured it out by herself (and when chaeyoung asked later, apparently a long time ago).

 

but with lisa, she wants to do it right. chaeyoung  _will_ be sober, and she's  _staying_ sober (because last two times she hasn't been, she got elbowed in the face and had the world's most awkward conversation with her kinda-ex) and lisa either hasn't figured it out, or doesn't want to bring it up, which means chaeyoung can't just wait for her to address the conversation.

 

randomly saying _"hey, i'm gay"_ or _"by the way, i'm a homosexual"_ doesn't seem like the best choice either.

 

thankfully though, she doesn't have to start the conversation.

 

in a completely uncharacteristic move before she left australia, she asked emma for her number. she was blushing profusely and she's pretty sure that emma was laughing at her a tiny bit, but she got it, and they've been talking almost every day ever since. emma's an hour ahead of her, but that doesn't really pose a serious problem.

 

well, it's a tiny problem when chaeyoung stays up too late texting her and is tired in rehearsals but it's  _definitely not_ a problem when she starts getting good morning texts to wake her up.

 

emma's extremely funny and down to earth, and surprisingly, completely cool with the whole _"kpop star with a really weird schedule"_ thing. she's finishing up a degree at the university of melbourne in marine biology and chaeyoung feels like marrying her on the spot when she learns that because a) she's stunning but b) she likes fish too!she's promised a personal tour through the local aquarium the next time chaeyoung visits australia or if emma visits korea (which makes her pretty giddy because _there's gonna be a next time!_ )

 

she smiles at her phone a lot more now, and the other girls have noticed. in all fairness, it would be hard not to. jennie smirks knowingly and whispers jokes in her ear that make chaeyoung feel like bleaching her brain. jisoo just smiles softly and doesn't say much of anything.

 

when it happens, the two of them, chaeyoung and lisa, are on the couch, a drama that chaeyoung has been ignoring in the background when it happens. emma just got out of her french class (because yeah, she's minoring in french and yes, it's  _just as hot_ as it sounds) so chaeyoung hasn't paid attention the television in at least twenty minutes.

 

 _"who's the lucky guy?"_ lisa finally asks, her tone carefully even and her attention still focused on the show that has changed drastically since chaeyoung last looked up.

 

chaeyoung locks her phone and takes a deep breath when she hears it click.

 

now or never, right?

 

_"umm, her name is emma."_

 

lisa doesn't mask shock well, never has and probably never will.

 

 _"emma?"_ her accent shows through a tiny bit as the name rolls off of her tongue and reflexively, chaeyoung smiles.

 

 _"yeah. it's not anything much yet, but she's cool."_ lisa finally looks over at chaeyoung for the first time that conversation and the warmth in her eyes reassures any qualms chaeyoung was feeling. then she smirks, and chaeyoung knows some kind of sarcastic comment is coming.

 

_"i sure hope so. because if she's not, jisoo eonni and i will hire a kangaroo to go fight her."_

 

_"i told you both, kangaroos aren't scary!"_

 

and just like that, they both laugh, any tension that might have been there dissipating instantly.

 

 

**xvii.**

 

 

kim jisoo is a fucking idiot.

 

of  _all_ of the people she could fall for, she has to fall for an idol.

 

and not only an idol, a _female_ idol.

 

and not only a _female_ idol, but a _female_ idol  _in her own group._

 

she's a _fucking_ ** _idiot_** who apparently has a type: girls that she is best friends with and  _absolutely, under no circumstances_ can have.

 

jennie's soft, so very different from the stage persona that she assumes in front of a camera. she smiles with her whole face and she loves with her whole heart. she's slow to warm up to people but once she has, you're in her life forever, whether you like it or not. she's fiercely loyal and stubborn as all hell.

 

she's the best friend that jisoo's ever had, other than soojoo.

 

so, _of_ ** _fucking_  ** _co_ _urse,_ jisoo just  _has_ to fall for her.

 

 

she realizes it on a quiet night when they're lying in bed. she's sort of taken up a permanent residence in jennie's room, so much so that her clothes have started to litter the floor and her plush toys have scattered across the bed. initially, it had been to stop her from crying herself to sleep, jisoo knows, but she stopped doing that ages ago, so she's not entirely sure why she's here. but jennie's warm and comfortable and she smells like a mixture of chanel no.5 and vanilla that lulls jisoo to sleep nicely so she comes to jennie's room anyways.

 

jennie always falls asleep first, probably because jisoo has developed a habit of playing with jennie's hair before she too falls asleep. but it works out well because jennie also wakes up first, which means that jisoo no longer has to be woken up by a small dog licking her face. instead, she gets jennie's soft voice and the promise of breakfast which ( _no offense to dalgom_ ) is much better.

 

she's not asleep yet, in that dream-like daze before succumbing to the oblivion. she's gazing down at jennie, who's snuggled into the crook of her neck. she doesn't usually  _start_ there but jennie moves a bit in her sleep, so it isn't strange.

 

jennie is beautiful. she's far more self-conscious of her makeup-free face than jisoo is, but in moments like these, jisoo can't possibly understand why. she looks more at peace than she normally does, a small smile across her lips making jisoo wonder what she dreams about.

 

_i hope it's me._

 

wait, what?

 

a knot ties itself around jisoo's heart and she bolts awake, her entire body shooting upright in the bed. unfortunately, jennie's attached to her side, so she shifts up too.

 

_"mmph? chu? what's up?"_

 

it's not the most eloquent thing jennie's ever said. in fact, it's really more of a mumbled, barely intelligible mess into her neck and jisoo's not sure if jennie's even awake but the hands around her waist clench her a little tighter and suddenly, jisoo feels grounded. she lies back down and jennie relaxes into her, snuggling her face farther into jisoo's neck.

 

and in that moment, jisoo realizes that she's completely, _utterly,_ **_hopelessly_** gone.

 

 

**xviii.**

 

 

lisa manoban has never had a _crush_ before.

 

jisoo explained it once when they were younger as a knot around your heart whenever you see the person. your heart beats faster when they smile, your palms get sweaty and you catch your breath when you see them. you just feel  _more alive_ when they're there and you crave their presence when they're not.

 

but lisa's a bit of a social butterfly and she  _always_ wants people around her. sure, she's been  _attracted_ to people, but she's never had the urge to date, _anyone_ , as of yet.

 

the knot though, _that_ appears on a sunny day in the park. lisa loves being outside, always has and hopefully always will. despite that, their two oldest members are very certainly _indoor_ people, just like their dogs so it's just lisa and chaeyoung and their manager.

 

they're on a tower-like structure in some park and the wind is blowing in her face. chaeyoung's on her right, dancing around like a child while spinning around in circles with her arms outstretched. she has a little bit of chocolate from a snack they ate earlier on the corner of her lips and her hair is flying in a dozen different directions.

 

lisa's heart rate doesn't skyrocket. her hands are dry and her breathing remains completely normal.

 

instead, when she feels the knot around her heart appear (and instantly understands what jisoo meant), she feels  _content_ , like everything has just fallen into place. it's not an earth-shattering realization that shakes her to her core or anything and not much changes in the way she sees chaeyoung. she doesn't really even register a difference in her feelings for the girl. they're still the same chaeyoung and lisa as always. but lisa sees how she's  _been_ feeling, how she's  _been_ acting from a different light.

 

when she realizes, lisa feels like she's coming home, probably because chaeyoung  _is_ her home.

 

 

**xix.**

 

 

emma starts dating a girl named erin.

 

it's not as sad as chaeyoung thought it would be. emma's just finished her degree and she's at her new job in america. the sheer amount of literal space between them alone is insane but the time difference means they don't get to talk much as either of them would like.

 

emma asks her before she decides on what reply to erin's request, which chaeyoung finds adorable. they sort-of have an unspoken  _thing that's not really a thing_ , which makes chaeyoung feel unbelievably cliché (like one of those dumb american high school movies) but she surprisingly doesn't feel jealous. she tells emma to accept the request and to wear something nice, which makes them both laugh. she insists that emma still take her on that tour of an aquarium, whether it be in the us, australia or korea because she'd still like to learn about fish.

 

nowadays, chaeyoung wakes up to a picture of a different kind of fish every day, accompanied by a short description of their physical and psychological characteristics.

 

when her members hesitantly ask why she isn't talking to emma as much, she excitedly informs them of emma's new girlfriend (which confuses them a bit, which she understands because chaeyoung's pretty sure that they all thought that _she_ was dating emma) but they're happy for them both all the same.

 

she doesn't feel like she's experienced a breakup (because she hasn't). it's more like she's gained an even better friend.

 

 

**xx.**

 

 

lisa first admits that she likes chaeyoung at her favorite place: their dinner table.

 

it's just her and jisoo, jennie and chaeyoung are off on a dog cafe excursion (because the two dogs that live in their dorm full time, plus kai who visits constantly aren't enough apparently).

 

she and jisoo ordered takeout, because while her father may be a professional chef, lisa most certainly is not.

 

lisa's easy to read, something that jisoo picked up a long time ago. she's not the best with words but that doesn't really matter because lisa most often expresses her emotions best through the movements of her body. when she's excited, she dances and when she's upset, it's clear across her face. she shows affection not through words of affirmation, but through tackle-like hugs and kisses pressed onto cheeks. her members have gotten  _very_ used to it, to not just her actions but the less-than-talkative nature she has. she's shy, a lot shyer than people would expect. she's hesitant to speak when they're being interviewed, mainly just reacting to things or adding comments only when asked.

 

it's ironic, how vague lisa be and how blunt jisoo constantly is. maybe that's why they've always gotten along so well. that's also why it doesn't surprise either of them when lisa hesitantly asks a question that hints at something bigger.

 

_"what's it like to fall in love?"_

 

jisoo doesn't answer immediately, choosing instead to study their youngest member. there's much more to be discovered there than in her words. lisa's picking at the chicken on her place, a frown evident on her lips. the uncharacteristic lack of movement as she sits without a foot tapping on the floor or a finger rapping on the table can only mean one thing: that she's nervous.

 

_"it's a little like a rainstorm; it comes slowly at first, but then all at once because in the beginning, you don't know what's happening. but then, it's better than anything you've ever experienced. it's heaven and it's cloud nine and it's every form of perfection you've ever known, combined."_

 

jisoo paused, attempting to gauge the expression of lisa's face, who was still intently focused on the chicken that she wasn't eating.

 

 _"then, if you're lucky, you get that forever. and if not, it's a little like drowning. falling in love is_ **_falling_ ** _after all. it's dangerous and it's terrifying, in every sense of both words because you're taking a huge risk in jumping into the unknown. you're putting yourself, and more specifically, your heart on the line. but i've never regretted it, and i'm sure that i'll fall again. and i'm just as sure that you will too and it'll be scary and terribly confusing but that's okay. and you'll be okay."_

 

lisa's crying now, with jisoo's arms wrapped around her. they're on the floor and neither of them are entirely sure how they got there, but they're there and jisoo's pretty sure that lisa's tears aren't the only ones falling.

 

they stay like that for a while, up until jisoo's phone buzzes with a message from jennie indicating that she and chaeyoung will be home soon. both girls sloppily wipe at their eyes in a vain attempt to hide the evidence of their conversation's content. luckily, their eyes haven't bloodshot yet and so it doesn't  _look_ like they've been sobbing their lungs out for god-knows how long.

 

they're setting two more plates at the table in an unspoken agreement to pretend that they had waited for their members to eat when jisoo finally speaks up again.

 

 _"you know we're gonna talk about this later, right?"_ lisa just gives her a forlorn smile as she finishes wiping up the last of her tears.

 

 _"yeah."_  jisoo gives off her signature smirk just as they hear the door to their apartment click open.

 

_"it's chaeyoung, isn't it?"_

 

lisa doesn't have time to answer before jennie and chaeyoung are in the kitchen, a flurry of hugs, pictures of puppies and complaints about the cold chicken arriving with them.

 

but lisa never _had_ to say it outright. jisoo could tell by the expression on her face as soon as she asked that she was right.

 

and judging by the look on lisa's face as chaeyoung squeals about a chocolate lab that she almost adopted, she fell a long time ago too.

 

 

 

**xxi.**

 

 

_"so you're gay now?"_

 

to anyone else, it probably would have been the worst possible response to the situation. but it's jisoo, and she's saying it to lisa, so all she elicits is a loud laugh.

 

in reality, lisa's never really thought about it. the few people that she has been attracted to were all male, but that never determined herself  _straight_ in her mind.

 

bangkok is a pretty lgbt-friendly city, and lisa grew up around all kinds of people. hell, a few of the people in her dance troupe growing up were gay. that had never bothered her then, and it didn't bother her when jisoo or chaeyoung came out. she was just grateful that they felt comfortable enough with her to be honest.

 

_"i guess?"_

 

jisoo almost wants to hit her. not because lisa's doing anything wrong, but she's so fucking  _nonchalant_. lisa's always been the most relaxed of the group when it came to change. jennie hates it, and so does jisoo. chaeyoung accepts it after a while but, lisa adjusts almost immediately to any problem. maybe it was the way she grew up in the trainee program, forcing her to make huge changes to her daily schedule and lifestyle constantly, at the drop of a hat. it took  _ages_ of agonizing days soul-searching for jisoo to finally accept that she was gay and lisa just shrugs it off, like getting told that she has a crumb on her lip.

 

 _"you_ ** _guess_** _?"_ jisoo chooses to say instead of hitting her, forcibly scrubbing at a plate that she hands to lisa to dry. lisa just slightly lifts her shoulders, grabbing the plate from jisoo's hand and beginning to wipe the water from it with a towel.

 

_"i kinda have to be, right?"_

 

jisoo puts down the glass that she was washing and looks forward. lisa's eyebrows aren't scrunched together (a tell-tale sign that she was confused) but her head is tilted to the side, indicating something is wrong. jisoo sets down the sponge, turning to lisa and ignoring the hand reached out expectantly for the next dish.

 

_"not really, you're allowed to like both girls and boys."_

 

 _"oh,"_ lisa considers, shifting her weight and crossing her arms over her chest. _"okay. i guess i'm **that** then." _

 

jisoo just laughs, grabbing her sponge again and splashing water in the other girl's face.

 

 

**xxii.**

 

 

jisoo meets soojoo in a park on a quiet sunday.

 

she's clutching into dalgom's leash for dear life. usually, he'd complain at the lack of freedom but he seems to sense her stress so instead, he trots slowly ahead of her, only a few feet away.

 

jisoo stops herself short when she sees soojoo for the first time since their breakup (well, other than the heavy instastalking she had done the first few weeks).

 

she waits, frozen and staring, until dalgom finally gives up his nice act and tugs her forward. even when she hesitantly steps toward the woman that she will always consider her first love, she waits.

 

but it doesn't come. the knot around her heart doesn't appear.

 

she calmly sits down across from soojoo at the table she managed to snag, gratefully accepting the coffee that she's offered.

 

when she gets home, she immediately goes back to her room, where lisa has seemed to have taken temporary residence in waiting for her return (although she only left a couple of hours ago). she doesn't miss the extra box of tissues stashed covertly behind her. she shakes her head for a second and lisa lets out a huge sigh of relief.

 

 _"thank_ ** _god._ ** _i did not want to deal with mopey-jisoo eonni again,"_ she mutters, jumping up from the desk chair where she had been sitting to avoid the swinging arm that she knew would be coming from the comment.

 

lisa skitters to the other side of the room by jisoo doesn't give chase, choosing instead to flop onto her bed. lisa quickly plops down next to her, joining her in lying on their backs, staring up at the ceiling.

 

_"you know, when i saw her, i didn't feel anything."_

 

 _"_ **_anything_ ** _?"_

 

jisoo sits up, her feet tucking under her as she toys with her fingers.

 

 _"well, no,  i still missed her. but it didn't feel the_ **_same_** _. i love her of course, i mean, she's my best friend since ever but i didn't feel the need to get back together."_

 

lisa joins her in sitting up, gazing over at jisoo who refuses to look up.

 

_"is it because of jennie eonni?"_

 

in lieu of a response (because even if she tried denying it, neither of them would probably believe it), jisoo chooses to let herself fall face-first back down onto her bed.

 

_"that bad?"_

 

_"even worse."_

 

 

**xxiii.**

 

 

jennie kim is more than a little confused.

 

they've finished their summer comeback promotions so the girls are ready to be locked back up in the dungeon. it's a little sad, because they won't get to see their fans any time in the foreseeable future because their asshole of a boss can't seem to figure out how to give them more than two comebacks a year (or even two comebacks in a year), but they're pretty exhausted with the crazy schedule they've been having, so jennie welcomes the rest with open arms.

 

that's not what has been bothering her as of late though.

 

jisoo has been avoiding her, both physically and emotionally.

 

jennie's not an active person, and she'd be the first person to admit it. she's the last one to volunteer to run and grab something  _ever_ and is the least likely person in their group to join a sport (for lack of both stamina and horrible hand-eye coordination reasons). but oddly enough, she takes a liking to flying yoga, which she finds both exhilarating and exhausting at the same time. jisoo stops joining her though, feigning an unconvincing excuse that she's lost interest in it. jisoo also stops going on walks with dalgom, leaving jennie alone with kuma and kai. most hurtfully though, jisoo has stopped sleeping in her room. it was awkward, to say the least, but a majority of her clothes and stuffed animals are back in jisoo's own room. jisoo's growing distant, keeping secrets and jennie's at a loss for what to do about it.

 

in fact, she's more bothered by it than she'd like to admit.

 

jisoo's around lisa more and more these days. jennie's not complaining about the loss of contact (well, maybe a  _little_ ) but really, she's mostly worried. jisoo's healing, and as much as she says she's overit, jennie's hesitant to believe her. one thing she's learned about jisoo over the span of their friendship that's well past half a decade's time is that she  ** _hates_** feeling like she's burdening anyone. she, of course, is never is but she always _thinks_ she is, and as such, actively avoides getting assistance from anyone. she's got this ridiculous notion that because she's the oldest that she somehow has to be the strongest all of the time. she's the last person to say she's tired and the first to volunteer anything for her members when necessary.

 

jisoo would never tell jennie if she's hurting, and jennie would be lying for she said that didn't hurt her.

 

jennie's trying to fall asleep, alone in her bed (something that has, of course, occurred thousands of times before) but she's never felt like  _this,_ whatever  _this_ is.

 

"loneliness is the cousin of jealousy" someone a lot more aware of their emotions than jennie once said. she's not jealous in the romantic sense though because it's not like jisoo is cheating on her or anything. really, she  _can't_ because they're not even  _together._

 

but she wants them to be.

 

wait, _what?_

 

well, now jennie is a little less confused.

 

actually, not really.

 

 

**xxiv.**

 

 

jennie has always thought she was straight.

 

the first crush she ever had was on a boy. in fact, _every_ crush she has ever had was on a boy. but it's pretty hard to deny the truth: that she's probably in love with her best friend. who is female.

 

jennie should wait.

 

she should not be having this conversation here, in their dorms with jisoo's room only mere feet away. but jennie has never been patient but more importantly, they're about to move dorms and begin filming their new reality show, in a house full of cameras so the chances that she can talk to chaeyoung like this, _in private_ , will soon be few and far between.

 

jennie is aware that she's a bit on the dramatic side so it doesn't surprise her that chaeyoung doesn't react at all to her barging into the younger girl's room and flopping on her bed. she's brushing her hair in the chair facing her vanity, meaning that jennie can very easily see her face in the illuminated mirror. _that reminds her,_ it's late and chaeyoung is getting ready for bed.

 

really, she should be too.

 

_"how did you know you were gay?"_

 

the question slips out on accident. it wasn't her intention, at least jennie doesn't  _think_ it was her intention to start there. chaeyoung doesn't react to it much, but jennie can see the corners of her mouth twitch. she switches the desk lamp off, leaving the christmas lights (that jennie teases her for constantly because it's such a _basic, tumblr_ thing to do) as the room's only light source. jennie curls her feet under her as she tucks herself against the headboard, suddenly feeling significantly colder. chaeyoung just smiles softly, lightly tossing a stuffed animal at jennie before tucking them both into her bed. instinctually, jennie cuddles into her side as chaeyoung wraps an arm around her.

 

_"for me, i wasn't completely certain until i told someone. the first time i told someone was that time jisoo eonni and i got super drunk on the couch. i don't remember all of the details of that night, but i do remember one thing. the instant i said it, i knew it was true."_

 

chaeyoung pauses, gazing back up at the ceiling as she feels her heavy breaths on her shoulder. jennie's not asleep, not yet anyways but chaeyoung decides to let her pretend and not to push it.

 

jennie will figure everything out eventually.

 

 

**xxv.**

 

 

okay, maybe chaeyoung's a little dense.

 

for someone who likes to think that they're incredibly well in tune with not only other people's but also their  _own_ emotions, she's clueless about her _feelings_ until she's practically slapped in the face by reality.

 

they touched down in thailand for the reality show yesterday and thankfully, after a long day of shooting, they get some time off from the constant cameras. jennie chooses to go do some additional shopping with their managers while jisoo decides to rest up in their hotel. lisa wants to visit her home, and chaeyoung tags along under the promise of meeting her cats and because apparently lisa's dad has heard she's a big eater and he wants a challenge (she definitely hits lisa's arm when she says that but lisa just laughs and whines that it's true).

 

the cats are adorable, and as expected, hunter and tigger take to her instantly. chaeyoung's got a way with animals (and apparently parents, according to practically everyone she's ever met) that makes them fall in love with her. but this trip, it's the other way around. she had  _known_ that lisa's father was a professional chef but she hadn't ever tried anything he had made until this trip.

 

 _"lisa, i swear to god i'm going to marry you just for your dad's cooking,"_ she mumbles out after the fourth course of the best meal she's ever had. the entire table laughs as chaeyoung moves to take her plate to the sink, completely missing how red her best friend's face gets. lisa's father though, doesn't miss the flushing of his daughter's face and apparently, neither does her mother, who softly grabs the plate from chaeyoung's, pressing her kindly back down into her chair.

 

 _"lalisa darling, i never thought your future wife would fall in love with_ **_my_ ** _cooking skills, but if it gets me a daughter-in-law like her, i'll cook for you both every day,"_ lisa's dad teases, collecting the rest of the plates from around the table. this time, chaeyoung doesn't miss the blush that crawls its way up lisa's face because a matching one is flying up her own neck. both girls quickly busy themselves, chaeyoung insisting that she  _absolutely needs_ to help clean the dishes and lisa going to feed the cats  _right this instant_. the comment is all but forgotten until they're about to leave, as both of lisa's parents hug them goodbye.

 

 _"just remember chaeyoung, you're welcome back anytime,"_ her mom laughs easily.

 

 _"actually, you can just stay forever if you'd like. i'd like to get to know my daughter-in-law better,"_ lisa's father smirks. _"i'll make whatever you'd like."_

 

 _"and we're leaving now, thank you for the meal and the embarrassment,"_ lisa rushes out, quickly placing a kiss on both of her parent's cheeks as they laugh before grabbing a red-faced chaeyoung's wrist and gently guiding her out of the house.

 

it's not until they're in the back of the bus they rented for the trip (which seems uncomfortably quiet, void of any staff or cameras) that lisa breaks the silence that had fallen over them.

 

 _"i'm sorry about them, they're usually-"_ she had rambled out before chaeyoung stopped her by laughing airily.

 

 _"you don't need to apologize, they're fine lisa."_ lisa just continued looking at her feet.

 

_"i don't think they were kidding, about wanting you to stay forever, is what i'm warning you."_

 

lisa's naturally shy but chaeyoung had never seen her quite like this, staring intently at her hands and picking at her fingers. chaeyoung wraps a hand around lisa's, pulling her fingers apart before she ruins her manicure.

 

chaeyoung's honest, almost to a fault. she's never been good at lying, not because she's näive but because she doesn't try to be. maybe it's a bit of self-sabotage that has _definitely_ gotten her into trouble more than a few times but she'd rather get in trouble for telling the truth than to cross her moral standards.

 

_"i don't think that would be so bad."_

 

neither of them say a word for the rest of the drive to the hotel where lisa instantly escapes to her shared room with jisoo but their hands remain interlaced until the last possible second.

 

and before she falls asleep, because jennie's long gone into the dream-world at this point, chaeyoung is left to her own devices, meaning that she's way too far inside her own head, remembering the last day.

 

_it really wouldn't be so bad, living like that forever._

 

then, she realizes _exactly_ what she had said and _exactly_ how both lisa and her parents had reacted.

 

and how she, herself had reacted.

 

oh.

 

 

**xxvi.**

 

 

chaeyoung wakes up to jennie crying.

 

the sun is barely peeking out from the horizon when she blinks awake, feeling strangely cold. then she realizes that jennie, who had been attached to her side has stolen all the blankets to wipe the tears from her eyes with. chaeyoung's arms are around her in seconds.

 

_"hey, what's wrong?"_

 

 _"nothing."_ chaeyoung tries not to look sarcastic but the eyebrow that rises in disbelief, she can't control.

 

_"eonni, you're sobbing at 4 in the morning, it can't be nothing."_

 

in typical jennie fashion, she responds with a joke,  _"actually, it's closer to 5."_ chaeyoung gives her pointed look, not a mean one but one that makes jennie pause.

 

 _"i just, don't know what's happening. i don't know what i'm feeling, i'm super confused and-"_ chaeyoung's arms pull her in, even tighter in as soon as the tears start falling again, cutting off her words.

 

_"hey, that's fine, you don't have to have everything figured out. i didn't for a long time, and i still don't now. you are perfectly okay, andn jut like you said before, you are who you are and you love who you love, and i couldn't care less, as long as you're safe and happy."_

 

chaeyoung's crying too now, their blanket clutched between her fingers as she feels the front of her shirt, where jennie has tucked herself, dampen.

 

_"but don't do anything until you're ready eonni. you don't have to label yourself as anything just because you like jisoo eonni."_

 

jennie shoots up, swiveling with incredible speed to face chaeyoung, _"who said i liked jisoo?"_ she threatens as she brandishes the small stuffed rabbit she had just been cuddling threateningly at chaeyoung, who begins at the horrible attempt of an intended imitating front of jennie's chubby just-woken-up cheeks and the stuffed animal in her face.

 

_"jennie eonni, i'm pretty sure the only person who doesn't realize that you're in love with jisoo eonni, is jisoo eonni. and maybe lisa."_

 

jennie lowers the rabbit, and her stance. it reminds chaeyoung a little of a wilting flower and she rushes to wrap the other woman in her arms.

 

_"hey, i meant what i said. you don't have to decide on a label, on your sexuality or even your feelings if you don't want to. now or ever."_

 

jennie just smiles up gratefully at her before leaning over to their bedside table to grab some tissues.

 

at some point, they shift over to their windowsill where they watch the sun rise, arms wrapped around each other.

 

 

**xxvii.**

 

 

jisoo fucking  ** _hates_** airports.

 

in fact, she'd be 100% content if she never had to go to another airport again.

 

but she's even more sure that jennie  ** _hates_** them more than she does.

 

it's jennie's first panic attack in a public place.

 

jennie's first panic attack (or the first panic attack that jisoo had been there for) happened a few weeks after they became roommates. jisoo had woken up to her best friend thrashing around in her bed on the other side of the room, tears streaming down her face. jisoo remembered having absolutely no idea what was happening, no idea what to do. her solution had been to dash from her own bed to start rocking jennie back and forth, singing the lyrics of lullabies she barely remembered. thankfully, that had worked and jennie had fallen asleep in her arms. _it had been mostly stress-induced_ , the doctor that jisoo encouraged jennie to visit had determined. the panic attacks were infrequent now, with jennie learning mostly how to control them on her own, especially in public. when she couldn't, jisoo had figured out a while ago that holding jennie's hand when she was nervous was the easiest way to prevent them. jennie squeezes her fingers a little harder than jisoo would like but that's much better than the breakdown that would occur if she didn't, so jisoo doesn't mention it.

 

airports were always the worst, with the flashing cameras not only ever-present, but following them in crowds. jennie clutches her members on the regular but the additional stress of the yelling people always made her even clingier.

 

the only problem with that though, is that jisoo is avoiding jennie and she's pretty sure that jennie's avoiding her too.

 

not completely, as bandmates who share an apartment and a work schedule, jisoo can't really  _not see_ jennie. but they're significantly less attached at the waist when there's not a camera rolling then they used to be. falling in love with jennie wasn't a mistake and jisoo wouldn't change the knot that tied itself around her heart but she's only human, which means she can't keep the same amount of contact with jennie without, _caving,_ and admitting her feelings, which would not the best choice right now.

 

well, there's probably never a good time to tell your best friend and bandmate that you're in love with her.

 

so, jisoo keeps her distance. and anyways, lisa's having an even more difficult time keeping her feelings a secret from chaeyoung (especially, now that her parents adore her, as jisoo learned when lisa had run into their shared hotel room the second night of their trip). she stays by lisa's side and chaeyoung attaches to jennie's because a long time ago, the girls came to an unspoken agreement to walk around in pairs. that way no one gets lost and no one is left alone.

 

another thing jisoo should mention about jennie's panic attacks though, is that no one other than her has ever seen them. before she's broken down in the past, jisoo has always managed to get the two of them alone, not only because she's pretty sure that jennie doesn't want them to be public information but also because it's easier to calm her down when it's just the two of them.

 

so chaeyoung, bless her heart, has no idea what's happening when jennie's breathing shallows and she clutches onto chaeyoung's hand for dear life.

 

_"eonni?"_

 

thankfully, they're in a lounge and not out in public when it happens. but that doesn't make it any easier when jennie barely manages to choke out a single word between haggard breaths.

 

_"jisoo."_

 

chaeyoung, thankfully, in all of her level-headed glory, understands and successfully grabs her phone to dials jisoo's number all while wincing at the pain shooting through her hand. their managers had been off with lisa and jisoo at the complimentary buffet when the call went through. jisoo barely heard a word before sprinting back to the lounge, a very lost lisa trailing behind with a croissant lodged between her teeth.

 

lisa and chaeyoung are ushered out of the door and instructed to distract their managers and not to let  _anyone_ in under  _any_ circumstances as jisoo cups her hands desperately on either side of her best friend's face. jennie, just as desperately, grabs onto her wrists, and jisoo is terrified by the tremors she can feel running through the fingertips wrapped around her.

 

_"okay jen, focus on my voice. breathe with me, okay, ready? in: one, two, three; hold: one, two, three; out: one, two, three; hold: one, two, three-"_

 

a dozen minutes later, jennie's breathing has leveled and the shaking has stopped. the tears are no longer falling from her eyes and her heart rate, jisoo's pretty sure anyways, has eased. jisoo phones lisa, thanking her for distracting their managers.

 

 _"is jennie eonni okay?"_ is the only question she gets in return.

 

jisoo looks down at the woman curled in her arms. she's asleep now, her body completely exhausted from the hyperventilations.

 

_"she will be."_

 

jisoo decides there that keeping a distance from jennie is doing more harm than good.

 

maybe jisoo's a little grateful for airports, for giving her the wakeup call she needed.

 

 

**xxviii.**

 

 

chaeyoung expected fireworks.

 

she expected explosions and sparks and all of those cliché things edited into the background of those cheesy movies that she adores. she expected time still around her and her knees to go weak.

 

it doesn't happen like that.

 

it's winter when they arrive back in korea.

 

well, really, it was winter when they left korea too, but it's much more noticeable now that they've spent a vacation in the beachy sunshine of thailand.

 

chaeyoung quickly discovers that

  1. the drone camera only comes on certain days so,
  2. the roof is one of the few places she can truly be alone, away from the cameras that seem to be everywhere else



 

her plan works too, up until the first snowfall that sticks. she has always liked the snow even though she didn't get much of it back home in melbourne. for some reason, she's always been comforted by it. it's beautiful, not in the way that people want her to be, not because of photographers and editors but in a more tranquil, real sense. the flakes are fragile, especially considering they'd melt if chaeyoung touched them. maybe that's what makes them truly beautiful, the snow is only present for such a short time before dissipating. the world looks a little more picturesque when the snow falls, and so she watches it, perhaps in the hope that her world will soon blanketed too, that all of her problems will be covered and disappear.

 

she should go inside because she's not wearing a coat and now the snow is falling heavy sheets. but the numbing sensation of the frigid frozen ice hitting her skin is oddly comforting. she can feel the goosebumps appearing across her skin and she knows that she's starting to shiver but she stays. somehow, everything in the world makes more sense under the stars of the night sky. all of her worries seem a little less challenging and life seems a little easier.

 

the blanket that's wrapped around her shoulders and the mug of hot chocolate placed in her hands don't come as a surprise. and the fact that its lisa who brings them to her surprises her even less.

 

the other girl sits down next to her, her legs hanging over the roof's edge and her hands encircling another mug.

 

now, chaeyoung  _really_ should go inside, because she's spent enough time with lisa to know that she won't go inside until chaeyoung does too. she wraps a blanketed arm around lisa, sharing the warmth as the other girl starts shivering.

 

they stay until their hot chocolate is long gone and snowflakes cover their eyelashes. neither of them speak, just silently watching the street traffic in front of them. the holiday season is over at this point, meaning a return to jobs for many. it's late though, so the people walking the streets now are mostly getting dinner with friends or partners.

 

they look happy, especially a pair of little kids trying in vain to pack the fluffy snow into balls to throw at each other. their parents half-heartedly attempt to stop them from causing a ruckus before just letting them be.

 

 _"i wish i had that,"_ lisa whispers, breaking the silence. chaeyoung gazes over at her as lisa intently focuses on the family, a bittersweet smile across her lips.

 

 _"a sibling?"_ chaeyoung mumbles, her words a little shaky because she's shivering a bit.

 

 _"no, what the parents have."_ lisa vaguely gestures toward the couple with her mug, as the pair tuck into each other. the mother's head is resting in the crook of her husband's neck as they intertwine their hands. chaeyoung looks down from her place beside lisa's neck at their interlaced fingers in her lap.

 

she very quickly realizes one thing: that she and lisa look  _exactly_ like those parents.

 

_"lisa-"_

 

_"i want to kiss you, is that okay?"_

 

people don't ask to kiss each other in the dramas chaeyoung watches. she remembered thinking once, when she was little, that  _asking_ someone would be incredibly unromantic, that it would ruin the moment if anyone ever did that. but, right now at least, she can't think of anything more attractive then lisa's snow-covered hair and lisa's fingers heating her frozen face by dancing under her chin and cupping her cheeks.

 

chaeyoung doesn't answer, choosing instead to surge forward and capture lisa's lips with her own.

 

lisa smells a little like vanilla and tastes a lot like hot chocolate and chaeyoung quickly decides there's nowhere she'd rather be.

 

 

**xxix.**

 

 

kim jisoo is hiding.

 

she's in the new reality show house, the one riddled with cameras in every corner.

 

the only place that she's found with any semblance of peace is the small alcove hidden from the world by a set of curtains. it's not her style; it's far too pink and despite what people may assume about her, she's probably the least _'feminine'_ member of the group so she's not really thrilled by that. but she threw a hoodie over the only camera in the corner (they've been promised that the cameras are completely off but they were also promised square three a _long_ time ago, so jisoo doesn't really trust her boss anymore) so for now, it's become something like her solace.

 

what she's hiding from, she's not exactly sure. she hasn't been avoiding jennie any more, ever since the airport incident. but she hasn't told her everything either. regardless, dalgom is asleep in her lap, so she's petting him softly while reading when jennie enters the space, all soft smiles and oversized sweatshirts. she hands jisoo a cup of tea and curls herself into a ball and tucks into jisoo's side.

 

the silence is calming. lisa and chaeyoung always like to act like their oldest members are ancient, calling them grandparents on more than one occasion. but it's moments like these when jisoo feels that comments like that may be true. jennie has her phone clutched between the fingers of one hand as she gently sips at the tea in her mug.

 

they're acting, _they have been acting_ like an old married couple for a long time now, and jisoo knows it.

 

_"hey jen-"_

 

jisoo would have finished her thought if not for jennie's lips, which she suddenly found on her own.

 

 

 

**xxx.**

 

 

_"kim jisoo!"_

 

_"lalisa manoban!"_

 

_"i did it!"_

 

 _"i-_ **_goddamnit_ ** _!"_

 

_"ha! i told you i'd tell her first!"_

 

chaeyoung leans against the doorframe, watching her best friend, _girlfriend? (she'll figure that out later)_ hop on their oldest member's back, a shouting match having already begun. jennie comes up beside her, a smirk on her face as she tilts her back to the other side of the framework.

 

_"you kissed her first too, didn't you?"_

 

_"shh, let them have their fun."_

 

chaeyoung smiles, pushing herself off the door and walking into the kitchen, pulling out a pan from under the island. jennie follows, grabbing a few things from the fridge before tossing an apron that lands on lisa's head, who apparently got off of jisoo's back and decided to assist chaeyoung by tying her hair (because she had forgotten to herself before she began chopping). jisoo buckles over laughing at the sight of their youngest member, a piece of cloth covering half of her face like a particularly horrible eye patch or phantom mask. lisa just takes the apron off of her head, helping chaeyoung put it on as she gathers the hair away from her face. she sneaks a kiss on chaeyoung's cheek too when she skitters away, stealing a bite of the sliced vegetables as she does. jisoo, meanwhile, is struggling significantly with the bowl of meat she's supposed to be seasoning. jennie just rolls her eyes good-naturedly before sidling up behind her. she wraps her arms around either side of jisoo, grabbing each of her hands in her own and guiding her actions. just as jennie is about to slip away to help chaeyoung with the salad, jisoo sneaks a quick kiss pressed on her jaw.

 

it's loud, with music blasting from their speakers and yells echoing down the halls and it's horribly domestic, with the soft kisses placed carelessly on cheeks and longing gazes from across the room but it's also nothing short of perfect for them.

 

a little messy, more than a little confused but  ** _happy._**

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> [edit]: i never expected this to get so much attention and i'm so touched because of it. writing this was incredibly cathartic during a particularly stressful time in my life so i'm extremely grateful that this was able to help so many people alongside myself.
> 
> here's a huge thank you to every single one of you for all of the love,
> 
> \- j.e.


End file.
